LOST “Transcript”: “Happily Ever After”
24 Aug
At some point during the final season of LOST, I decided the thing to do would be to take “transcriptions” of the episode. This is spoileriffic, uncouth, riddled with spelling errors, and patently absurd. It also won’t make much sense if you haven’t seen the episodes. Enjoy. Maybe.
(Related posts: “The Package”)
IT BEGINS
Tina Fey narrates her actions as she addresses Desmond. Don’t worry, you’ve been unconscious. It’s no big deal. No freakin’ out.
Desmond: PENNEH PENNEH
Widmore: Nope.
Desmond: YOU.
Tina Fey: God he’s hot.
Widmore: I know. Yo Des, Ben shot you.
Desmond: PENNEH.
Widmore: Shut the fuck up. She’s not here, but she’s fine, and so’s your kid. I couldn’t tell you anything before because otherwise I couldn’t have dragged you back here.
Desmond: Where?
Widmore: The island.
Desmond: AAAAA FUCK THIS SHIT YOU ASSMONKEY I HATE YOU
Widmore: The island isn’t done with you yet.
Desmone: AAAAAAAAA (seriously, this is an actual trnascription)
Widmore: I want him tested for herpes and the clap before I start rubbing up against him.
Tina Fey: It’s not ready yet!
Widmore: Whatevs bitch hop to.
cut to… Tina Fey and Jin, walking with much angst
Tina Fey: Keep it moving Jin.
Jin: SUN.
Tina Fey: Turn on the generator.
wah wah, they turn on machines that are old, and apparently it’s scary
OH LOOK HOW UNEXPECTED THE ELECTROMAGNETS
things aren’t working, and the chubby nerdy dude tells the rabbit that he’s our next victim, muahahaha
…they test for radioactivity? jesus
omg it’s a bad breaker!
oopsie. there was a dude in there. he just got zapped. hahahahahahaha this is awesome, the little shack lit up
AND HE’S DEAD HOLY SHIT THE DUDE TESTING THINGS WAS DEAD THIS IS REALLY SURPRISING
Widmore: Are we ready?
Everyone: Fuck, dude, it just ROASTED THAT GUY, are you serious?
Widmore: [seriousface]
Desmond: Penneh!
-LOST-
COMMERCIAL
Back at the Shack of Roasting, tomorrow’s dinner is being carted out. Widmore takes a long look at his crispy face.
Widmore: Whatevs. Dezzy’s turn!
Desmond: Eeeeeee, I don’t want to!
Widmore: I know how this looks, but I think you’re too hot to die here. I’d much rather ask you nicely, but it’ll be okay. After I’m done forcing this on you, you have to make a sacrifice, okay?
Desmond: What do YOU know about sacrifice?
Widmore: Dude, I ain’t seen my grandbaby. But you have to sacrifice or it all goes poof. (i.e., idiot writers, there will be a much greater loss. derp.)
Widmore: Turn it on.
Jin: TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON.
Widmore: Um, I need to know that he can survive another catastrophic electormagnetic event, mkay? Turn that shit on.
they turn that shit on, and Tina Fey licks her lips a bunch
the chubby nerd is worried, and Widmore flicks a switch
Desmond is trapped between the electromagnets, shrieking like a little girl
a computer graphic shoes a body that does not match what Desmond is doing AT ALL
ooooh, blinding light, and we’re in the clouds
GEE I WONDER WHAT IS HAPPENING
CUT TO DEZZY LOOKIN’ AT A FLIGHT BOARD
Hurley: Our shit’s at carousel four, dude.
Dezzy: k
Claire: I’m pregnant and can’t lift my ridiculous suitcase because I’m a moron who makes bad decisions ha ha ha ha!
Dezzy: let me help! I’m going to walk with you creepily. is anyone here to meet you? want to take my car with me?
Claire: uh… no.
Dezzy: okay I bet you’re having a boy 
Claire: …freak
george! george will take dezzy to… the office!
george: so you flew in from sidney?
dezzy: okay, now you’re the weird one
george: I can help you
dezzy: um.
george: want a hooker?
dezzy: no. WORK. I WORK. GRAH.
cut to the office, where dezzy says he had a nice flight
oh, hello widmore. you are my boss, and I am your right-hand man.
THEY HUG OH SHIT THIS IS BIG DOINGS WTF *eyeroll*
COMMERCIAL
dezzy looks at the model of the yacht
widmore: we can’t celebrate because other shit’s real. my son’s a musician. my wife is doing a charity event. son wants to combine classical and rock. have you ever heard of… DRIVESHAFT? anyway, babysit the druggie bass player.
dezzy: um… sure.
widmore: you have no life! it’s awesome! I love how you work for me. let’s get schnockered on my SIXTY-YEAR-OLD SCOTCH
cut to dezzy parking his car and walking into a building to go pick up… Chaaahhhliieee
dezzy: I’m dezzy!
chahlie: *walks away and almost gets hit by some cars, which totally freaks dezzy out and makes him look at his watch*
they go to a bar, where dezzy has whatever chahlie’s having
chahlie: is your job to babysit me?
dezzy: I get perks!
chahlie: CHEERS. are you happy perky?
dezzy: yep
chahlie: liar
dezzy: I have money and shit
chahlie: ever been in like omg monkeyface butsecks love? I saw it on the plane
dezzy: tell me?
chahlie: there was a lady with handcuffs and the cop knew I was holding and I tried to swallow and then we hit turbulence and I choked and I saw HER as everything went dark, she was fuckin hot man so hot and we were like making out and getting all damp in exciting places, and then I opened my eyes and I’m being asked if I’m okay, and, like, I’ve got a woody, what did he want?
dezzy: you should write a song about that
chahlie: it was real, you moron
dezzy: the real truth is that you can drink or come with me, and coming with me = you have a real life, you idiot, and widmore owes you a favor
chahlie: ‘kays
dezzy: THERE’S ALWAYS A CHOICE BROTHA
cut to them driving… with fucking “You All Everybody” playing
chahlie: that’s us, haha. like the song?
dezzy: for what it is, it’s dandy
chahlie: you have my pity because you think your happy, but your life is stupid
dezzy: cuz none of it’s real?
chahlie: I offer you a choice. I can show you what I’m talking about or you can get out of the car while I DRIVE US OFF THE FUCKING PIER HAHAHAHAHAHAH
the car… sinks… dezzy gets free, but chahlie is stuck, oh noes!
looks like chahlie might drown
seriously
dezzy swims back down to try to save him (this is familiar) HAAAAAAAAAAA THE HAND ON THE WINDOW, “NOT PENNYS BOAT” heeheeheehee, chahlie sinks back down, and dezzy yoinks him from the car
dezzy breathes and coughs, but chahlie doesn’t 
COMMERCIAL
my fingers are tired. things are actually happening. this is so… not at all like the last episode. JIN SUN JIN SUN JIN JIN SUN JIN SUN SUN
dezzy’s gettin’ all checked out.
doc: have you been experiencing… hallucination?
dezzy: ummm… maybe?
doc: your cat scan is weird. have an mri.
dezzy: NO, I HAVE TO FIND THE MAN
doc: nope, your brain is too weird
other doc: any metal?
dezzy: no
other doc: emergency contact? any friends or family?
dezzy: um… my boss
other doc: have the BUTTON. the panic button, lol, not that other one. in you go!
whrrrrrrrrrrrrr
WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP
aaand we see flashes of what WE know about dezzy’s life…
WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP
he freaks
dezzy: I NEED TO FIND THE MAN I CAME IN HERE WITH… must find chahlie pace! JACK TELL ME
jack: oh, yeah, you were sitting next to me. you’re hot.
dezzy: brotha brotha brotha I need to find a guy who is—oh, hey, that’s chahlie, running away from a nurse, in one of them gowns
frantic down-the-stairs chase scene, hahahahaha this is awesome
dezzy: why are you runnin
chahlie: you can’t help me, I was trying to show you, wasn’t trying to kill you, you bitch
dezzy: i saw shit on your hands. who’s penny?
chahlie: you felt it, me rubbing all over you
dezzy: time for the show
chahlie: nope, none of this matters, only that we felt it, I’m wandering off. you’d better go look for penny while I go seek my death because it is the only way I can have that omg monkeyface butsecks love again
COMMERCIAL
dezzy: he ran away
widmore: what?
dezzy: i’m fine btw
widmore: if you can’t do your job, you suck, thbbbbt
cut to dezzy wherever, being told good luck with meeting the boss’s wife
oh, shocking, guess who?
eloise: *bitches about butterknives*
dezzy: I’m dezzy, I work for your hubs
eloise: oh, YOU. you are hot.
dezzy: nice to meet you, mrs widmore
eloise: i’ts ELOISE. so why are you here?
dezzy: driveshaft can’t perform
eloise: oh, my son will understand, tra la la, don’t worry
dezzy: you’re not angry
eloise: nope. what happened happened. *menacing* thank you for telling me in person
dezzy: have a good evening. derp derp derp.
some dude: …PENNY…
dezzy: did you say PENNEH, may I see the list
eloise: nope! it’s a confidential list
dezzy: i just wanna seeeee
eloise: COME WITH ME. okay, everyone here in this area leave. now, hume, you need to stop.
dezzy: stop what?
eloise: whatever you’re doing is a violation. stop. you need to not look for things.
dezzy: do you know what I’m looking for?
eloise: you have the perfect life. stop looking. and you now have my husband’s approval, which is what you wanted aaaaaall along
dezzy: how do you know what I want
eloise: I do
dezzy: I need to see that list, or know why I can’t see it
eloise: you can’t, ’cause you’re not ready
dezzy: ready for what?
HUFF. oh, look, george.
dezzy: do you gots liquor
george: totally! I’mma touch you while you’re drunk. where to mr. hume?
dezzy: just drive
DANIEL WIDMORE hahahaha: we need to talk mr hume
(my friend stefan just went “WHAT?!?!?” on twitter, and I’m laughing at that, too… how is this surprising? at all?)
COMMERCIAL
dezzy: mr widmore
danny: dan, plz call me dan, mr widmore’s my father
dezzy: if this is about the band…
danny: do you believe in love at first sight? I saw her eating a chocolate bar. she’s majorly hot. and when I saw her, it was like I already loved her. and then shit got weird. that same night, it says in my notebook, I woke up and wrote… this really intense diagram.
dezzy: whassat?
danny: dunno. I’m a musician. this is quantum shit. I dunno what it is. BUT, imagine awful shit was going to happen and the only way to stop it would be to release a lot of energy—like a BOMB
dezzy: you want to set off a BOMB
danny: what if we’re in the wrong life, dude? WHAT THEN? what if we changed things? I don’t want to set off a BOMB, but I think maybe I already did set off a BOMB. oopsie. bad on me.
dezzy: um, dunno what I have to do this
danny: why’d you ask my mother about a woman named pennehhhh? happened to you too huh? HAHAHA you also felt me rubbing up on you!
dezzy: dunno…
danny: you do so know! you felt ME! er love, I mean love
dezzy: i don’t know if she exists, this hot chick of mine. she’s an idea, not a real life pair of boobs
danny: no, she’s my half sister! I know where and when you can find her!!!
dezzy: O_O
aaaand cut to the stadium, where SHE is running stadium stairs (which sucks)
dezzy: *drool*
penneh: *run*
dezzy: hey, hot stuff. are you penneh?
penneh: yep, freak
dezzy: hiya. i’m dezzy. I’m universally acknowledged super hot
penneh: totally true
CUT TO THE SHACK
chubby nerd: he’s okay!
widmore: yep. how’re you, buddy?
dezzy: fine… how long was I unconscious
widmore: not long
dezzy: UP
widmore: sorry, pal, but we need you. I’m going to explain
dezzy: no, I get it
widmore: huh
dezzy: let’s start doing that important thing, hm?
OMG
CUT TO THEM WALKING
tina fey: what happened to you
dezzy: hm?
tina fey: you’re all cooperative now, what the hell, your brain’s fried
dezzy: heeheehee
BAM, IT’S MOTHERFUCKING SAYID
sayid: dezzy, these people are dangerous. we need to go
dezzy: aye, sure, dandy, lead the way, brotha
CUT TO
penneh waking him up ’cause he fainted at her feet back in the stadium
epnneh: have we met
dezzy: i think we’d remember
penneh: so long as you’re all right
dezzy: wanna go for a coffee?
penneh: now? I’m all sweaty
dezzy: YEP IT’S SEXY
penneh: ‘kay
dezzy: YES wait this is kinda weird
derp derp he gets in the car
george: find what you were looking for?
dezzy: yahuh! to the coffee shop!
george: is there anything I can do?
dezzy: um, can you get me my flight manifest?
george: yeah, totally. why?
dezzy: I need to show them something. hahahahahaha
